Saturday Review + Totally Inaccurate Power Rankings

Hello, everyone! I’ve been writing about the World Cup. All of my articles about the tournament are displayed quite nicely in the tab that says “World Cup.”

A few quick points:

-Costa Rica beat Uruguay. Hurray for CONCACAF! MLS referee Mark Geiger did well refereeing the Colombia-Greece game. Hurray for MLS!

-I wrote a piece about Mario Balotelli. Mario Balotelli scored. I should quickly write about American players before Monday.

-I almost wrote about Wayne Rooney. But I didn’t. Sorry, England. My bad.

-You’re welcome, Italy.

-Uruguay vs. England will basically be an elimination game. If Uruguay lose, they won’t have a chance. Just like that. I won’t go into the details of why, but if England lose and Italy fails to beat Costa Rica, the Three Lions would be mathematically eliminated. If Uruguay and Italy both win, England would need to beat Costa Rica, and Italy would need to beat Uruguay, and even then it comes down to three-way goal difference.

-Group D is incredible, by the way. Three really good teams. And England.

Enough of that useless drivel. It’s time for more useless drivel! But this time with numbers!

Totally Inaccurate Power Rankings

Past rankings in brackets.

1(1)-Brazil

2(3)-Germany

3(4)-Argentina

4(5)-Italy

Yeah, maybe 5 was a bit generous, and maybe 4 still is, but with losses to their two closest group-winning rivals (sorry, Costa Rica) they seem likely to win Group D, which mean an easy route to at least the quarters.

5(2)-Spain

They got demolished. But they’re still Spain. Chile certainly have flaws, and if Vicente Del Bosque can get his team straightened out, they can surely have a chance in their final game vs. Australia.

6(10)-Netherlands

After seeing them crush the reigning champions, I think that they might have a shot to win it. Then again, not every opponent will have world-renowned comedy duo Pique and Ramos doing their sketch where they pretend to be centerbacks (I love that one–almost as good as the one where they went camping).

7(7)-Belgium

8(11)-Colombia

They won 3-0 against the last non-Spain team to win the European Championship. That sounds less impressive when you realize that the team that they beat is Greece, but it’s still something.

9(9)-Chile

They should’ve done better against Australia, but a win is a win and I’m not breaking my rules again.

10(8)-Portugal

11(12)-Bosnia-H

12(6)-Uruguay

Uruguay seriously lost against Costa Rica? By multiple goals?

13(13)-Croatia

14(14)-England

They lost against a superior team. Nothing to make me change their position.

15(15)-France

16(20)-Mexico

They beat a team they were supposed to beat. But they did it well (it totally should’ve been 3-0, the ref hates Giovani Dos Santos) and they proved that they aren’t–at least not completely–2013 Mexico.

17(16)-Ghana

18(17)-USA

19(18)-Russia

20(19)-Switzerland

21(21)-Ivory Coast

Les Elephants beat Japan, but according to my ranking, they were supposed to do that anyways. I guess. They’ll move higher if the teams above them do poorly.

22(28)-Costa Rica

Costa Rica beat Uruguay! I have them so low because I’m sure if it will last (they’ll get another big jump if they can get a result against Italy) but a CONCACAF team is winning in a group with the reigning Euro runners-up, the reigning Copa America champions, and the people who made the sport!

23(22)-Nigeria

24(23)-Ecuador

25(25)-Korea

26(24)-Greece

They lost against a team whose big star can’t even pronounce his own name.

27(26)-Japan

That Keisuke Honda goal was nice, eh? I wish it would’ve stayed that way, because “Honda Gets Japan Out of the Garage” is a great headline.

28(27)-Cameroon

Did anyone expect them to do any better than that?

29(29)-Honduras

30(30)-Australia

Chile is a very good team, and they made them work hard for a win.

31(31)-Iran

32(32)-Algeria

 

That’s it! And yeah, my power rankings are seriously inconsistent and basically just terrible. But I kind of warn you by saying “Totally Inaccurate.” I’m not being sarcastic. Power rankings in general are very silly looking, because there are no default criteria for something as vague as “power rankings.”

(Note: while re-reading that, I felt weird by saying “are” and then not saying a word that ended in “s.” And then I thought about how much I hate the word “criteria” because it’s plural in its most common form, yet it doesn’t end with the letter “s.” And then I realized how much I love the word “criteria,” for no real reason. I spent so much time thinking about “criteria,” and thus saying “criteria” in my head, so now it doesn’t sound like a word. Criteria? Is that contagious? Is that near Chicago? I think you mean “Arjen Robben.”)

Anyways, if you need me, I’ll be locked in my closet, not coming out until I make a full-length preview on Ghana-USA.

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